LuzDelSol

Para Mí Papá

 

I wrote this when my dad turned 80 yrs old…He is now 85…time flies.

Oralé  Papá ………

It’s been quite a life Dad, and I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am that you are my father.  I want to Thank you and Mom for giving me life.  For the things that you have taught me and the sweet memories I have of you-I know life has ups and downs and we can focus on our downs or move forward and grow.  I choose to move forward.

You taught to be strong; to stand up straight and hold my head up high and be proud of who I am; brown skin and all.  You taught me to seek better things in my life and not to let people hold me down.

You taught me the word respect for myself and be proud of who I am.

I have sweet memories of my growing up like the times when we would all pile into the care to go get ice-cream, Grandma Ciria and “Potty pot” too, on a warm Texas night.

I remember:

…you and grandma would spray “fleet” to keep the mosquitoes away and we would all be outside on the porch until we could go back in and go to bed. Buelita would tell scary stories like “La Llorna” or we would play bingo with the neighborhood kids.

…looking out our screen front door when we heard the car pull up in the drive when your co-workers would drop you off and you looked so tired carrying your lunch pail  but you would laugh at my tortillas when you sat down for supper, you said they looked like the map of Texas.

…when you used to take us to “Quela Fela’s” house and she had cooked lots of beans and tortillas, she had a big table that we sat won and had arroz  y frijoles con tortillas.

…visiting Buelita Tivé and Tió Chon in San Benito and how happy she was when Buelita saw you; “ Ayé Inez, mí Híjo”.  She always made us feel so loved.

…you taking us for long drives in the country.

…going to your ball games when you played baseball

…mostly how you laughed a slow quiet laugh from deep inside, it would bring me comfort when you smiled at me.

There are probably more things I don’t remember but I do know Dad that you have instilled in me to always strive to be a better person and to respect others feelings, to stand straight and be proud; always moving forward wanting the best for our families.

My children love you Dad and they respect the things you have done in your life to give us a better life.  I love you Dad and I am very proud to be your daughter. I know that the Lord will bless you for always wanting to be better, for the sacrifices yu have made, for the struggles you have endured and mostly for accepting the calling of being a “father”.

Thank you Papá……Love you!   (And that is how I feel about my Dad)

Time for Reflection!

Just finished listening to Morning Session of Conference and reflecting on all the blessings that are mine, First of all Keary my awesome husband who is my stone that holds me in place and helps me daily to see what is so important in life. My children and awesome grandchildren who are so loved and have added so much to the person that I am.  Thank you all!

My greatest blessing and my corner stone; My Heavenly Father who loves me so much who sent his beloved son to save me.  I cannot comprehend how much my brother loved us that he would gladly die for his brothers and sisters!

Things that stayed with me while listening to Conference Saturday, April 04, 2009:

·         Do I need it or do I just want it?

·         Reverence invites Revelations.

·         Work out own personal salvation.

·         Pay attention to our thoughts and feelings.

·         When our mind is clear it is from the Spirit of the Lord.

·         We need Strong Christians.

·         Prepare our hearts for blessings.

·         Comfort our fellow sufferer he places in our way.

·         Come what may and love it.

·         Those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it.

·         Be loving and kind regardless of what level of activity our fellow members are at.

·         True faith must be centered in Jesus Christ.

·         Do your children see your convictions?

·         A Child born in the covenant belongs to us always.

DISCLAIMER!

Ok, this is just to let you all know that your Father at this point does not have Cancer.  He went to see the Dr. yesterday and he has a growth by his nose that has been there quite a while.  We thought that it was like the growths he has in his hands.  He keeps shaving it off and it has become annoying, so he thought he would have it removed, like he has had others removed.

The other small sores he gets are and can be frozen off.  So he thought he would go to the Dr's. to have this one frozen off. But his Dr thinks it may be what your dad said, a small skin cancer sore.  It is nothing to worry about unless it is defined as cancerous. The Dr. took no tests or anything, it was just a 15 minutes diagnosis in her office.  He has a follow-up appt with the Dermatologist next week. Where I am sure they will remove it and have it sent to be analyzed.

I think your father is worried because the Dr was so adamant that it was a cancereous growth.  I don't think it is anything to worry about at this point until he see's a specialist.

I apologize for the miss communication.  I was sick yesterday and I did not really take Keary's concern seriously, so he reached out! Sorry!   We will keep ya'll updated! Love ya'll.

Tagged!

ONE WORD ANSWERS
1. Where is your cell phone? Counter
2. Where is your significant other? bedroom
3. Your hair color? Gray
4. Your mother? Virginia
5. Your father? Inez
6. Your favorite thing? Jewelry
7. Your dream last night? Work
8. Your dream/goal? Happiness
9. The room you're in? Front
10. Your hobby? Troubleshooting
11. Your fear? Alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Family
13. Where were you last night? Wal-Mart
14. What you're not? Strong
15. One of your wish-list items? Mission
16. Where you grew up? TEXAS!!!
17. The last thing you ate? Ice-Cream
18. What are you wearing? Pajamas
19. Your TV? Off
20. Your pet? Duke
21. Your computer? Sony
22. Your mood? Unsettled
23. Missing someone? Family
24. Your car? Van
25. Something you're not wearing? Perfume
26. Favorite store? Dress Barn
27. Your summer? SUNNY!!!!
28. Love someone? Keary
29. Your favorite color? Burgundy
30. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier    

31. Last time you cried? At #23

If you haven't done this consider yourself tagged.

I LOST RECEPTION (part 2)

The Drive:  I get in the van and call Keary… “I’m on my way but I have to stop and get something in my stomach so I will be slow getting home” … he says “they are ordering pizza, do you want some?”, “Don’t think so” Love ya”.  I drive to the freeway and since I don’t know my way around too well, I go back to the old neighborhood I remember when we lived here ages ago. I find a Dairy Queen and decide if I drink a milkshake it might make my stomach feel better.  I drive thru and get a milkshake and decide to park facing the sun, I take a few sips from the milkshake and laid my head back on the head rest…I pass out.  I wake up and it is ½ hr later, I start the van and it doesn’t start.  I can’t believe it, again! I take the key out and sit and pray for a minute and put the key back in and it starts! “Thank you Heavenly Father” I get on the freeway and drive to mom’s house.  I drive the speed limit my head it killing me and my stomach is churning, I am very sleepy.  Thirty minutes later I am at the exit to Othello, I pull over to a side road and turn off the car and pull out the keys and pray the car will start but I am soooo tired, I can hardly keep my eyes open, but I don’t hurt as bad anymore.  I lay my head back on the head rest and I pass out, once again!  I wake up 20 minutes later and I finish the drive to Othello. I still don’t feel good, I have a stomach ache and my head feels like a cement block. I drive into Othello and come down the bridge and it is so open and wide. I see all the open fields and drive by a farm house where they sell fresh fruit, cantaloupe, cherries, fresh peaches; the area is so clean and uncluttered. Then there is Wal-mart a mile from the farmhouse, and I am in Othello.  The turn off to mom’s house is about ½ mile away.  I stop at the next light and make a right turn, the houses have nice lawns and large green trees with lots of flowers blooming, it is a warm evening, I make a left and 2 blocks down is mom’s house.  As I get closer I see  mom’s car and Torrie and Kim’s van in the driveway. It is a 3 car drive way and I park next to mom’s car and the large pine tree.  I take my bags out so I can change into my pajamas and take Keary’s bag in also.

Mom’s house Friday night: I walk in and Mom, Dad and Keary are in the family room and Melissa is in the front room and she says “Hi, Aunt Diana” Kids are all around, I really don’t notice who they are.  I walk in drop on the couch in the family room, I don’t look for chocolate, I drop the bags on the floor beside me.  Keary is in his manual wheelchair. Dad is sitting in his chair and Mom is sitting in hers holding Gavin.  Mom asks me how I feel and asks if I would like something to eat.  Kim comes in from another part of the house and says hi and gives me a hug.  She says Torrie is not here because she is helping Josiah ( Melissa’s husband) at the new house they have bought a couple of months ago.  She tells me how Torrie and her have been remodeling the house for a while and this weekend they are done and all that was left was laying down the carpet and Josiah’s dad was doing that now and tomorrow. They were hoping to get done by Saturday night to move in Sunday.  I hear Randy come in and some more people. I don’t know who they are. Randy says hi and goes into the dining room to eat pizza. A 3yr old little boy comes running around Dad’s chair, I notice he is looks Hispanic, he has a Mohawk and a diamond stud in his right ear.  He is cute.  Mom says this is Luke, he is Sarah’s son.  Who?  Then I see a really cute blond coming around the corner with Randy and Melissa and they are all sitting at the table eating pizza, they’re laughing and having a good time. She is Randy’s new girlfriend. 

Lots of conversation going on, I can’t keep up with all of them.  I listen to Mom who is holding Samantha now and she’s telling me about Primary and how she learned to say “Hippopotamus” meaning “ I am sorry”, Mom tells me how much Samantha loves nursery and Cameron loves Primary.  Cameron comes in and plops down on grandpa’s chair (Kim took Dad to his bedroom a few minutes earlier because he was in pain and needed to lie down and take his meds).  I love Cameron; he is a 5yr old with an attitude!  He is a little man spirit in a tough little boy body. So he tells us how he likes to go to church and now he will be going to School because he is 5yrs old. Kim comes back and is in the Kitchen. Keary is playing with Samantha and playing with a very loud toy. Keary then tells me how he went out to Wal-Mart to get water (Surprise????) and how a Sherriff stopped traffic so he could cross the street to get to the store.  Then he goes on to tell me how he took Cameron and Samantha for a ride on his wheelchair and Cameron jumped off and he ran over him.  Cameron laughs.  Keary said it scared him. Mom smiles. Kim takes all the kids and the 2dogs outside.  Duke is excited to be outside playing and so are the kids.  Sarah comes into the room anxiously looking for Luke and mom tells her Luke is outside with the other kids, she wants to make sure and takes a peak outside. The phone rings and Melissa answers and it is Torrie and Josiah they want food.  Melissa laughs and says ok and grabs some pizza to take over.  Randy comes over to talk to me, tells me he is sorry I’m not feeling well, he has come over to help Melissa move and he is driving the U-Haul truck.  I ask him what he is dong and tells me about his new job, he just got certified as Heavy Equipment Operator and is working at a Steel Shop of some sort, he bought a new car and how sweet it is but it is in the shop now.  “So how are you getting to work?” I borrow Grandma’s car or Mom’s or Melissa’s.  Melissa laughs and makes a smart remark.  Randy is a good looking kid, quite built, I think he works out. He could model or something.  Says he and Sarah gotta go they are going with Melissa.  Sarah gets Luke and he comes running in and they all leave.  I comment how happy Randy looks.  Kim tells us that they have not seen him this happy in yrs, they attribute it to Sarah.  Mom tells us Sarah’s story:  It has been a yr since she lost her husband in a fire. Their house burnt down and her husband saved Luke (who is Sarah and husband’s son) and then he ran back in to get her 4yr old daughter and 6yr old son from a previous marriage and they all died in the fire.  Sarah was burned also as she tried to run in also but was pulled back.  Her husband was Hispanic. (Maybe Sarah and Randy understand each other’s pain). Mom asks me if I am hungry and she brings me some chicken noodle soup and crackers. I go put my pajamas on and Mom brings me some blankets and pillows. Kim is sitting with Gavin and playing with him.  She asks me if I want to go to Coeur d’ Alene, Idaho Saturday night to a party that Alana is having (3hr drive) to support her business. I say no, that is the wrong way…I will be in Vancouver then. She laughs and starts talking to Gavin… “ it is time for your bath little man.”  Melissa took Cameron and Samantha with her. Megan and Nathan are still outside…it is about 9pm. I hear Kim and some kids in the bathroom…kids laughing and raising their voices, I think she is putting kids to bed. After a while she comes into the family room and I ask her to put my back in.  I lay down on the floor and we start laughing then wrapped her arms around me and tries to pop my back. It didn’t work, she tried again, it didn’t work.  But it sure felt good to have my back stretched. I thanked her and laid down on the couch.  Mom asked me if I  need anything and I ask for a sleeping pill.  She gave me one of Dad’s. Then Torrie comes in from the Garage and she says…”I would give you a hug but I hear you are sick”.  I laugh and I lay down on the couch.  Right behind her comes in Megan and Nathan and Cameron.  I hear Melissa and Josiah coming in from the front door and more kids.  Then the Garage door opens again and here comes a young guy with a baby and a young girl right behind him.  Mom says this is Josiah’s brother James and his wife and baby who is younger than Gavin.  Everybody is having a good time and talking about how they are working so hard on “the house” …James goes back out to the garage and then they start bringing in stuff, my eyesight is blurry, I’m really tired…then movement kind of stops and soft laughter comes from the front room.  Keary has changed into his pajamas and is making himself comfortable in Dad’s chair.  Mom is still in her chair …I doze off for a few minutes, and then I open my eyes and mom is holding the other little baby and her mom is at my feet on the couch.  What a cute baby…I agree. I hear more soft laughter and mummers from the front room.  The voices are soothing…I don’t need the TV to fall asleep…….

 (to be continued...)

I LOST RECEPTION (part 1)

Prelude: First week in August I was asked to attend an Executive Board meeting in Tri-Cities Friday, August 22, (work day) for an International Association I am a member of.  I am VP of the Southwest Chapter and since the President couldn’t go, she asked me to attend.  Usually the state allows us to attend those types of meetings, but the Governor placed a freeze on all monies, except our salaries.   When I approached the Project manager about attending and being paid a work day as per protocol (all other members received approval) she denied my request.  She stated she would allow a 3hr conference but would not allow the day.  I responded adamantly that because our chapter was in charge of the 2009 Conference, I had been requested to attend in person to meet all those involved. I was still denied and so I had to request an annual leave.   

The Trip: Keary and I decided that since I was going out there we would spend some time with his parents.  So I came home Thursday evening and we got ready to leave early Friday morning as the meeting was not till 1pm.  The most bizarre thing happened I could not go to sleep that night, I had so many thoughts going thru by my mind regarding data and processes we had discussed at the Team meeting earlier that afternoon and thinking how our Lead was so out of focus and didn’t even know where to find simple information and making weird assumptions.  (According to my new supervisor I ‘m too smart for my own good, because I have such an analytical mind, UMMM) I finally fell asleep about 3am and then woke up at 5am.  We hurriedly got ready and packed up the car, when I went to put Keary’s wheelchair in the van I had lots of trouble, it really aggravated me because I thought I would break the lift.  We then drove to the gas station, we were running behind, so I thought that because I had no sleep that I would get an energy drink, I go into the the store and pick up somthing next to Red Bull, I  run back  to the van and help Keary plug in his phone to be charged.  I then went to start the van and it would not turn over.  I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT!!!…I tried twice.  My head started to pound and my stomach to churn…I asked Keary to pray, he wanted me to call Triple A…he prayed …that seemed like a very long prayer. When he was done the van started.  I drank the juice and the longer we drove the sicker I felt…I was so miserable my body ached , every inch,  As we were driving there, Kristy called and we talked for a while and  it distracted me from my pain, I think I talked to her twice and then I lost reception, I couldn’t call her back. Keary called Vallen while I was on the phone with Kristy and sang  Happy Birthday and left it as a message.  I laughed and wondered if Vallen would laugh also.  After awhile I started to call to wish Vallen a Happy Birthday also and I had lost reception on my phone.  I kept driving and the longer I drove my stomach felt like it had been Rotator-Rootered, my head was screaming, every muscle felt like old time torture where they are pulling you from every limb .  It was awful.  I blamed the booster drink…it had tons of caffeine!  We made it to Mom Nield’s house at 11:30am ( I had go back to Tri-Cities and it would take an hr to get back in time for the meeting.)

Mom’s House: Keary had called ahead and told Mom that I was ill and we were running late and I would have to drop him off quickly.  When we drove up Grandpa came out to help his son, he has lost much weight and his arms were terribly bruised form a fall he had a few weeks back, he was moving slowly.  I got Keary’s wheelchair out and left Grandpa to take care of him.  I hugged grandpa and then went inside and hugged Mom inside the house and she asked me what she could do for me, I asked her for Tums and Tylenol, Nathan, Kim’s son came running up to me gave me a hug “Hey Aunt Diana” Megan, Torrie’s daughter, comes running from around the corner I get a shy smile and soft hug…”Hi, Aunt Diana”.  Boy they sure have gotten tall, they are both 9 this yr.  I think of Toni and Summer. I walk into the Kitchen and Mom gives me some Tums and some migraine medication…I walk into the living room and tell her “ I’m just going to lay down for about 15 minutes and see if I feel better.”  I look for the couch in the living  room… there are two couches , lots of kids toys, blankets, shoes, one couch is missing a cushion so I drop on the one that has all its cushions, a baby cries, another giggles and one more laughs.  It Melissa’s kids, (Mellissa is Torrie’s older daughter) Cameron 5, Samantha 3, and Gavin 7 months, Mom and Dad and Keary come into the room. I ask Keary for a blessing. I see Mom walking to her bedroom and I close my eyes for the blessing. “Please Lord make take this pain away.” I open my eyes and  I see  Mom and she then invites me to go to the bedroom and lay down. I go lay down in her room on my stomach the TV is on…some soap opera, I pass out.  I suddenly open my eyes because I hear the TV …10 minutes to 12.  I get up and get ready; I hear Mom, Dad and Keary are in the family room.  I walk by Megan’s room and she is combing Samantha’s hair, they are both laughing, Megan looks up at me and smiles,  I walk by the front room and Nathan and Cameron are watching TV sitting side by side on the couch with no cushion, I walk into the family room and Mom is holding Gavin on her lap.  I kiss Keary and tell him I really have to leave, Mom offers to drive me … “I’ll be Ok” I tell her, Nathan comes around the corner: “Aunt Diana, where are you going? Are you feeling better?”  Tell him yes…have meetings in Tri-Cities….. “AHHHH, Aunt Diana you have chocolate all over your back” I turn my back and ask Mom if it’s ok….She frowns and says it’s bad.  I go to the bath room and look in the mirror…I have chocolate all over my shirt.  Thank goodness it is polyester so I look in the crowded bathroom (they have so many people living here) for a wash clothes, I find all kinds of diapers, lotions, brushes, piles of kids clothing and I finally find a wash cloth and I wash the chocolate off, quickly.  I go out and get mom to check out the shirt, it’s all clean.  Nathan says…”It’s gone,” On my way to the van I go by the couch I had laid down on...I see a 50₵ size piece of chocolate right on the cushion I laid on.  I laugh!  Nathan smiles. Cameron smirks.           

The Meeting: I arrive at the meeting 5 minutes late…I walk in and Steve the president says “There she is, we’re waiting for one more person and then we will get started” I recognize 3 other people…Kathy gets up and gives me a huge Hug.  The other members look my way and smile.  I introduce myself to a retiree and then the other member walks in and the meeting is brought to order. There are no introductions, we go over the minutes, the budget takes lots longer, then more business. I look at the clock one hr, two hrs, two and half hrs, BREAK, phone conference, three hrs, (my teeth start chattering, my stomach is churning, I want to scream, I hurt so bad,) last hr, now we discuss what I came to learn about,: the freeze is going to effect the conference, we are hosting, (I put my hand in my pocket and find the pill mom gave me right before I left I gulp it down with ½ bottle of water no one notices).  Next item, good news I get paid mileage and the president is going to talk to my supervisor so I get fours of pay. Keary calls me and I walk out of the room and tell him the meeting is not over yet, I go back and sit down and listen intently to the discussion, the phone rings again I look at it and it is Kristy, I push the busy button, I'll call her back after the meeting it is getting close to 5 it is almost over, I don't want to miss the last few minutes of what we are discussing.  Wow, it is 5pm, we leave and we all go our separate ways…”How long does it take you to get to Othello?”  I reply “At 110mph coming here today it only took 40 minutes otherwise it’s an hr at least.”  We laugh, and wave goodbye to each other, I look over my shoulder Steve and the VP walk to one car, Judy, Linda and the retiree, (what was her name again) walk to another car, three others walk to separate cars and a pick-up truck, I get in my van and wonder… did I ever get their names?

(to be continued.....)

Memory Monday

What makes you feel happy, content or joyful?

I feel most content when I am with Keary and we go on long drives and we are just with each other,  We talk with no interruptions and enjoy each other's company.  We listen to books on tape as we are driving and really enjoy the motion of the car...it is soothing.  And when Keary falls asleep, I just concentrate on the road or listen to music with no thought to anything but driving.

The sun makes me happy...I throughly enjoy the heat, especially when it is humid. Love it! I also enjoy reading a good book while absorbing the sun!

Our Circles are getting smaller

 I received a call from the Hospital yesterday asking if I would come to a conference with a Dr, Chaplin, Palliative Nurse & Social worker...when I spoke to the social worker I was not very receptive, apparently the Dr. was concerned for Keary's welfare after he came home so they wanted to have a conference.  I let them know up front that I was not wasting my time coming in and not leaving with something that was going to help Keary or myself

When I got there all 6 of us went into Family conference room and we had a discussion about Keary's health, for 1hr we went over the progression and effects of Keary's health what affected his everyday life and those around them.  Needless to say, we did cover many issues: spiritual awareness, behavior patterns, consequences to members of the family and especially how our lives have evolved around Keary's illness...all those milestones, I talk about.  The conclusion was that those milestones are making our world smaller.  As the Palliative Nurse said your "Circles are getting smaller" and it is so true, the ability not to travel, and other things, our freedom has been curtailed due to the illness and the limitations it brings. I think you all are aware of the limitation and how they have affected each of our lives.

Lot of realities were discussed and Dad has made a decision...he does not want to go back to the hospital again. I do not necessarily agree with that but it is Keary's decision.

So he will be provided with palliative care...that entails having a nurse coming in weekly to diagnose Keary and his progression.  She will be accessible 24/7.  The following is his POLST (Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment)

A.  CPR: Person has no pulse and is not breathing 

• DNR/Do not Attempt Resuscitation (Allow Natural Death)

B. Medical Interventions: Person has pulse and/or is breathing

• LIMITED Additional Interventions Includes care described above.  Use medical treatment, IV fluids and cardiac monitor as indicated.  Do not use intubation, advanced airway interventions, or mechanical ventilation.  Transfer to hospital if indicated. Avoid intensive care if possible.

C. ANTIBIOTICS

• Use antibiotics if life can be prolonged

D. ARTIFICIALLY Administered Nutrition: Always offer food and liquids by mouth if feasible

• No artificial nutrition by tube.

The basis for these orders is: Patient Request.

And there it is...Another milestone in our lives.

The Reflections of a Gen X’er trapped in a Boomer Body

Two experiences just this weekend that have caused me to reflect on how age is a factor that effects how people are treated in this youth oriented society.

This weekend I volunteered to work at a Hire-A-Vet Event.  Before anyone says Wow! How cool is that! I had ulterior motives.  If I volunteered for Saturday’s event then I would get comp time during the week, which would give me a break from work.  (BP38/40) The break happened on Thursday when the weather was awesome, at least for here, it was 72.  I was able to go sit at the pool with the grandkids and enjoy the sun.

As one of my grandkids so graciously let me know as I was absorbing the sun rays…”Grandma, you don’t need to stay in all that sun, you don’t need it”…to which I replied “You mean I’m brown enough?”  To which they replied “Yes”, I guess that gets back to the fact that I am Mexican.  Don’t know what to think of that…but not taking the time to evaluate.  Children have different concepts of what life is all about.

Now that I have rambled to cause further straying from the original point of view I was experiencing earlier…there were quite a few Vietnam Vets at this event and a few recent Iraqi Vet, it was very successful.  The employers were very pleased with the quality of prepared job seeker that came in. 

During the course of this event, I struck up a conversation with an older gentleman about my age, I thought, regarding my favorite subject: TEXAS.  He was recalling his experience with the “big bugs” in Texas, when I then enveloped him in my “cotton picking” exaggerated adventures.  Migrant workers embellishments intrigue people.(B/P 68/38) I then described a  moment of a migrant worker under the hot humid Texas sun strapped to an 8ft canvas sack straddled over 2ft tall cotton plants brimming with cotton blossoms with white flowing cotton and prickly leaves.  As I was flowing along straddled to the plants picking the white fluffy cotton face down, sweat sliding down by face from the Mexican straw hat on top of my thick black hair…I come to an abrupt stop as I hear a rattle sound a couple of plants ahead of me and I slowly lift my head to see a coiled rattle snake alert ready to strike any intruder into his space.  I stop breathing and cautiously took a backward step until my cotton sack stops me from moving further, I then carefully unstrapped myself from the sack not taking my eyes away from the snake and (BP 71/58) continually stepping over the cotton sack and as soon as I feel free, I turn and boogie as fast as I could back to the other cotton pickers and scream bloody murder “Vivora! Vivora!” (Snake, Snake)

I don’t know what made the guy I was telling the story to ask me “Do you mind if I ask how old you are?”  Maybe he thought that migrant workers were ages ago…don’t know.  I hesitated quite a lot as I try not to let people around work know how old I truly am (has nothing to do with my vanity, lol)…but as I said to him “pretty close to 60” two co-workers happened to hear that and they both responded “No way I would have never guessed.”  (Moved to ICU BP50/38)

The conversation was interrupted and away we went to another meeting and found myself wondering if I had just opened myself up to some pre-judgment and I would not be looked upon as a peer but as one out the door ready for retirement. 

Why would I conclude this from such a small comment…the fact that the GenX is so anxiously waiting for the retiring of most of my fellow peers to drop out and leave the work place to a younger generation, I don’t want to be part of that as I am young in this career driven world. 

(Spoke to Dr. will be putting in a PIC line in his neck…has pneumonia, blood pressure needs stabilizing as it is very low, will be getting anti-biotic, has no recitation order if his heart stops, how about a tube…definitely..Make sure the kids have time to see him.)

The other incident has to do with being here at the hospital with Keary, It is Father’s day, I have not called anyone, none of the children, none of the people at church, no family.  Why…I really don’t want to spoil their Father’s Day with their own families.  Our kids have been so traumatized one Father’s Day, in fact 1991 about the only one that wasn’t was Cathy.  That time Keary had a stroke

Getting back to the “incident”, I was speaking to the Nurse (Wes), and he made a comment how he didn’t know why the Dr had not been in yet. And it occurred to me that we had reached another milestone in Keary’s illness.  Because Keary had no IV in him and he was not in duress he became another one of the “old” people we see being transported from the Nursing homes.

It hit me so hard.  I expressed my feelings to Wes..which I will paraphrase:  I just came to the realization that we have become one of those old people where the Medical world becomes complacent in their care. Being put in the back shelf because we have nothing exciting to deal with or out of the box challenges other than age and “typical “ old people stuff. I see this so often when I come into the ER.

I admit I cried…it made Wes uncomfortable but I told him he did not have to offer me comfort I did not expect any. I had just had a moment of realization and another crossroads we have come to in our life journey.  I washed my face after a brief private moment provided by Wes when he closed the curtain to Keary's room.

(BP 108/58)I just spoke to most of you, left messages for Calixta and Alex, sorry I could not talk to ya.  But Keary is stabilized and is in ICU doing better.  I know that at times I become somewhat robotic and I think that is how I look at dealing with Keary’s illness.  It breaks my heart to see him suffer and I cannot convey how he is feeling, I can only convey what is happening in medical terms. 

Ciria asked what exactly happened, I really don’t know how much to share. If I share too much I feel that I am taking away from Dad’s dignity…also he is my loved one…there is so much I feel when I see him suffer that in no way do I want to convey this to my kids.  Not because I don’t want you to know but I guess I want to protect you from the hurt you may feel, which is quite ironic because I would be completely mad if my sister did that to me if it was my dad.

Of course I know that my mom would probably give me gory details and I don’t think that is for our benefit but for her so she can be appreciated for what she handles and endures.   She toot’s her own horn!  AHA! Maybe I don’t want to be perceived to be like my mother.  That has been my ultimate goal, not to be a mother and wife like my mother.  Interesting huh?

Or the other truth that bothers me at times…are we all tired of waiting and continually dealing with near death experiences?

Now I understand when I was younger and older people told me that their bodies did not reflect their spirits...and here I am almost 59 and I feel like I am 36 at the most.  Life is a journey and I really don't want to get off...I hope the Gen X'ers will let me stay on.

Life passage! & Driving Memory

It has been a week since my Supervisor has retired and frankly, I am so relieved.  There are times in our lives that we regret time passing us and that is my regret for the pass 2yrs.  Life at work was very difficult to say the least.  Why did I let it effect me so much?  Because I am there more than I am at home. 

Work relationships are odd.  We are there 40hrs a week and so influenced by those around us.  I applaud men for the strength they have to put up with "stuff" at work.  I have felt that I was drowning each day that I went to work...I would blame it on many things: lack of exercise, lack of spirituallity, lack of focus, too much focus, yada, yada, yada.  The truth of the fact is that I was being bullied!  And anyone that knows me knows that I will fight back.  Especially when I am not fighting for myself but the welfare of others.  I dispise lack of respect for human suffering.  Of course, this is my prespective and I may be preceived by others quite differently. So be it!

There are those who take a stand and there are those that are beaten down and don't come back up.  I kept coming up and I tell ya it was hard some days.  What gave me strength each day is that I am so blessed with the knowledge that I am loved by my Heavenly Father and I have a strong sense of what is right and what is wrong.  I self-evaulate quite well, I know my short comings and I know what I am lacking. A true blessing.  I lack strength in so many areas but standing up for the right thing is something I will do. 

I must say that consequently I have missed precious moments because I was"surviving"

Those momemts that I should have embraced:

• The wonderful opportunity I had to go to my first Broadway play...Wicked.  Thank you Vallen and Cathy for a memorial experience.  To experience such depth and talent from those actors that moved me to laughter and tears.  The wonderful stage with such graceful art and preception that surrounded us in the theater, I was in awe!  What an experience!
• The opportunity to spend time with Summer Daye and Breck... being the only grandma in the pool and really enjoying myself in the natural light of the warm sun penetrating each fiber of my NW chill. The pride I felt when my grandchildren were so exicted to introduce their grandma to their many friends.  To see the core of my grandchildren's sweet spirits see beyond color of skin and difference in cultures and accepting those around them for who they are! 
• My sweet Summer and Breck being such sweet examples at Primary with a genuine love of the gospel radiating thru thier eyes!
• The privilege to see Zachary (our first grandson  holding the Aaronic priesthood) pass out the scarement.  The joy I felt and pride to see the fruits of my accepting the gospel almost 40 yrs ago.  The gift that Keary and I were able to pass on.  The true gospel.  One more generation!
• My sweet Toni bearing her testimony at Sacrement Meeting. She was so anxious she walked right up to the pulpit before sacrement even started.  To hear such heart felt words about her feelings and knowing that she was being guided by the Spirit to committe to a mission at such a young age.
• Zekie's fearlesness at all things that he attempts.  Always looking to his family for guidance and protection.  What a blessing he has been to our lives.
• My Aden and Jocelyn ...strong spirits with challenges that they continually overcome at such a young age. The excitment Aden exuberated each time he could use the computer to play his favorite games!  Jocelyn's sweet love for her grandpa each time she came over... showing such compassion for him and truly enjoying shopping with grandma!

Opportunities...and the the regret of not taking opportunities with:

• My grandchildren in Utah and Texas...Zoe, Kari-lynn, Naomi, alex, and Chio... "if I coulda, If I woulda"...
• My daughter Calixta...you will be blessed!

So another stage of my life...and you all know me ...this will be probably all ya'll get for the next few weeks...but never doubt...my love for the gospel, my love for my Heavenly Father, my love for my family!  ....and then I plunge in again to the murky waters of the real world...Work!!! Ughh!!!

TELL ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DRIVE -OR YOUR FIRST DRIVING EXPERIENCE

I remember I was about 13 or 14 yrs old and my mom took me out to the back Texas dirt roads and I learned how to drive.  I remember lots of dirt holes and bumps from the cotton field and running over them.  And my mom grabbing the wheel alot. 

The likeness above (white color)I remember driving when I lived in Harlingen, Tx, I think it was my Junior year.  My grandma Ciria ( a very trusting "buelita") asked me to go cash her Soc Security check.  I remember going to the store to get that cashed and there was also a really hot guy that hung out at this "Sonic" type drive in.  I am sure I was wearing one of my HOT outfits (short shorts were my speciality)...and thought ummm... I should cruise over there just in case he is there.  (Can't even remember his name). So I did.  I remember the street being 3 lanes wide and I had done my cruising and decided to go home. 

So I am HOT I have a HOT car and I pass this not so hot car and you guessed it...the LOOOONG end of the car hit the car behind me when I pulled into the Lane.  Boy was I scared!!! The only thing hot then I am sure was my armpits!!!  So it was a couple and they started honkin so I pulled over and It was just a small "nik", I swear to this day!  My car was not damaged (well, nothing my parents would notice)

They complained so much and I was afraid to go home and tell my mom (my dad was in Laredo working)and I am pretty sure my dad did not carry insurance on his cars for a very long time.  I can remember the jest of the incident and the guy said he would forget all about it if I gave him $50...in those days that was alot of money (gas was 25 cents a gal).  I didn't have any money...how appalling he would ask me!  He started to call the police!

I then remembered grandma's check...went back to the car and took out a $20...told him that it was all I had...and he said OK and left.  Talk about feeling guilty...I did not say anything to grandma, I told her I lost it and mom screamed at me (alot of money in those days). 

Later that week I told "Buelita" when mom wasn't around and she said "Ah Mejita!" Que cabrona eres...como tu papa!!!  LOL...